my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
