Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize