My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
