If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
