My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
