then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
