Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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