found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
