Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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