cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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