It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
