dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
