New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
