There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She's the barista slut.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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