just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize