how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
