So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize