I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
