1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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