Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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