I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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