just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
