You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
