Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
