Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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