Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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