Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
