seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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