i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
