the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
