Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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