so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize