I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
we should paint friendship bongs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
