i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
