i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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