Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
