Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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