You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
