Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
