my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
