At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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