can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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