My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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