We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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