Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
