when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
