I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
