Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
