He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
