She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
