I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
