So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
