Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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