He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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