and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
