Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You can't just leave with hair like that
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
