I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
