In the future we'll all be gay
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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