i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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