hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
