My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize