It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
