I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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