In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
