I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
