He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think people are normalizing furries
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
