I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
