Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My ass is underappreciated
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