Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
