Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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