i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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