I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
