Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
