i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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