oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
