Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
